a toast

"this feels like a business meeting," i said.
"it is a business meeting."

we sit at the table, a half-liter of chilled merlot on the table. smoking covertly and dropping ash onto yr parent's velvet table runner, a last hurrah and prelude to my smoking cessation. we are silent sometimes, running uncomfortable hands against the grain of the table.

"do you find me untrustworthy?"
"we already talked about this, remember?"
"yeah, in the broader sense, yes. but do you, as an individual, think me a liar?"

tapping tapping tapping. thinking about the future, the past, the present. my son asleep in the bedroom upstairs, and we two drowning here. the last supper was taken hours before. after, i choked down a water table ( not water/table, but something) cracker and secretly whispered the body of christ.

and it seems like there have been so many last hurrahs lately.

just a few days ago, it was yr last night on earth. yet, here we are at this fucking table . we're full of resentment, and you've diagnosed us with a severe case of the broken heart. i promised you that when you die (when, not if) that i would were black, and a rose in my hair to remember you. you weren't too much moved.

it's been so strange to watch our lives fill and falter so spasmatically. nothing is reliable, real, or worthy, yet we continue on. there are invisible strings that tie us to this world. there are words and promises that we never speak but agree upon.

my mind drifts to the border. i think of him, of my newly empty apartment. raising my glass, i whisper, "a toast to personal borders, and reaching them."

the obligatory panic about love post

1.11.09

i am reaching out into the world constantly looking for love to quench my maddening thirst. i am weaving relationships with others through stories and shared experiences. each time i walk out of the house, it is toward a new adventure.

the past few weeks of my life have passed by like some whirlwind tearing me from the comfort of familiarity. i have come so far in the past twelve months, and pushed beyond that distance considerably in the past few weeks. the days bleed together and miracles burst forth with each new dawn.

i have spent much time alone, thinking about my life. what needs to change, where i want to be... the essential questions of "who am i, and where am i going?" i am going further into my work, dedicating most of my energy toward preparing myself for potential opportunities. school, the shelter, the writing, the dreaming. i pick out patterns from the future in dreams and tarot cards. tea leaves. loose feathers.

i've sent a number of letters out into the universe, and came to the realization that they are mostly love letters. not romantic love, but platonic love and surrender of pride. it's all washing away. i got a letter long overdue, only four lines long. one of the lines was "i'm sorry."

what a concept.

i guess i am sorry, too, that it's taken me so long to see my own flaws. so many people have given me the chance to change, but i didn't want to. but it's too late now, and adaptation is the only option i have. life isn't meant to be spent alone.